I’ve been thinking a lot about what this blog should be.
I’m at the point in my life where a lot of things are changing. I graduated college three years ago, I got married two years ago, and I’ve found myself employed by three different companies in the span of a year. I’ve lost a lot of family members, through death and feuds. I’ve lost friends. I’ve suffered from debilitating panic attacks and swings of low depression. I’ve seen two therapists, 5 doctors, and visited the emergency room once. I’ve made a friend over online chat with the National Suicide Prevention Line. And throughout it all, I haven’t taken a break.
In fact, I haven’t taken a real break since 2008. I spent four entire summers volunteering. I balanced French Club, Service Club, Honor Society, Drama Club, and 6 International Baccalaureate courses for 2 straight years. I spent my college years earning two degrees and working one job, then two jobs, then one full time job, while planning a wedding and renovating a house, and still being a full-time student. I balanced it all, and did just fine.
And then I took plates away, one by one, from my balancing act. As each plate came down, I came to realize that I wasn’t successfully balancing any of the plates. I was merely performing an act for the people around them to distract them from the mental illness slowly festering inside me. But I was also distracting myself. When my career plate came crashing down, the mental illness bubbled over and I couldn’t escape it anymore.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last year thinking. Contemplating my life as it is, as it could be. I know I want and I need to make a change. But knowing how to begin that change is hard. How do I identify the next step? How do I preserve the security I’ve built over the last 10 years?
I don’t know where I’m going from here. But I hope you’ll join me.